It all started about 4 months ago when Alex signed me up to Sarah Beeney’s ‘my single friend‘ dating site. I just went along with it (well you never know do you) and about once a month i’d get some munter add me to her favourites - which would give me a lunch time chuckle! Then - to my amazement on Thursday - a hot 25 year old from Brighton added me to her favourites! Obviously - I was pretty excited - but left a little confused as to what to do - pay £20 to contact her or just ignore the internet dating freak?

At about 5pm yesterday - I received this comment which solved my dilemma.

Now - my mistakes. First off - I should have been suspicious of the name Betty - what a stuuuupid name. I mean for goodness sake. My 80 year old great Aunt is called Betty. I’ve never met a 25 year old Betty in my life. I mean I’m sure there is an attractive 25 year Betty somewhere in the world, but it still sounds a little fishy. So with this in mind - I certainly should have noticed the s.wollox in the email address from which I received the comment.

But no - I didn’t put two and two together. I started drafting a reply:

Dear Betty,

Great to hear from you. How are you finding Brighton…….
Then - for some reason - I became suspicious - so - still keeping the fact I missed the obvious Betty Swollox email comparison - I checked the IP address of the person who sent me the comment - just to be on the safe side. True True geekiness! The IP address turned out to be a proxy server based in Texas in the US. Finally the penny dropped. The comment was not from Betty.

But….The thought hadn’t even dawned on me that Betty herself might be made up. I swiftly headed to the pub to interogate Alex - who collapsed at my first mention of a fake and told me the whole elaborate plot to humiliate me. The plan head been - arrange to meet me in the Firkin (as it has a balcony). Addam would film me getting ready, then they would all be waiting in the Firkin, on the balcony (filming), while I met a ‘big and beautiful’ from the lonely hearts column in the Friday-ad.

Thanks guys. Thanks a lot.

Jonny Lyttle put it a nice way. ‘Dave, you know what, for them to go to all that trouble shows they care about you. It shows they all like you.’ I like that. Guys - even though Betty isn’t real (I made her real in my pre-sleep dreams boys don’t you worry) - I can be safe in the knowledge that you all care about me!

I’m still gonna get you back though Mr Asigno - Oh yes!

Dimanche 31/12

Arrive a la Hotel Grande Aigle, Villeneuve, Serre Chevalier to sparse old icy snow. Feel a little disheartened but quickly forget as we see the new year in at La Grotte du Yeti, an Englishy bar with live music. Get pretty drunk!

Lundi 1/1

Get up nice and early, straight up the mountain to begin snowboarding. Its raining in the resort and the pistes are slushy and horrible. Really crap start. Once up the first lift onto the higher pistes however, the rain is snow - and plenty of it! Boarding is serre serre hard (compared to the relativly advanced level of skiing I have!) After a whole day of falling over every 5 minutes I finally fell badly on my wrist and ended up at the Center Medical! Its official - I have the weakest wrists ever (a longer account of this story to come). Anyway. Upshot is - its not broken, but is in a cast - more protection than anything!

Went out and drank beer to recover!

Mardi 2/1

Swapped board for skis - best choice I have ever made! Had a fabulous day. Fel only once and that was because some french plonker came clattering uncontrolably down a green run straight into me. I’ll desole you! The snow started at about 2pm and got harder and harder as the afternoon went by. Alex and I ended up in the adjoining resort as all the lifts were closed due to high winds. We nervously got on an unmarked ski bus home, casually remarking ‘at least its in the right direction’. No sooner had the words escaped our mouths, but the bus turned around and went even further in the wrong direction to the village of Brincon! We got off at the next stop, totally lost, with no money, no mobile phones, no cards and, with the time at 18.15 (last bus at 18.00) - no method of getting home!

Alex and I staggered around in ski boots (imagine the most awkward boots ever - these are 100 times worse!) trying in vain to speak to some of the rudest French people ever (again full story to come) until finally, at around 9pm, we ended up at a train station and got a taxi back to Villeneuve. Fortunately, Tom and Will hadn’t called mountain rescue - but they were close!

Mercrudi 3/1

There must have been a foot of snow during the night - well, most of it whilst Alex and I were lost in Briancon! The skiing today was incredible! Really and truely some of the best conditions I have known. Saying that - at the end of the day - the only fall I had was on an easy Blue run composed of sugar crystals over ice with large jagged rocks sticking up in the soft-looking powder crash mats on the side! Lovely! Much less eventful day after the two hilariously farcical preceding days (note - I have categorised this under funny rather than travel!)

More to follow when my legs stop aching enough to walk to the internet cafe!

Nils, Roger and I took a copywriting workshop with a large travel company yesterday - oh the glamour! They are based in Luton!

Luton really is the backside of the world. Grey, dull, full of workmen and scaffolding. After a long long talk about travel copy, I left with an urge for alcohol, so called Mr Lyttle and met for a drink in Holborn. Jonny’s office is right in the centre of London’s Legal and Marketing heartland - full of talented girls certainly worth a wink! After 3 or 4 in The Lounge Bar on High Holborn, we headed for China Town for some food and on to All Bar One in Leicester Square.

By about 10.45, seriously inebriated, we walked (in the rain) to Embankment to get the tube to Victoria. We sat, talking crap and emptying the contents of our pockets on to the seat, when I noticed an incredibly beautiful girl sat opposite, watching us and smiling at our drunken antics. I got up, shook her hand and enquired as to her name and final destination. Unfortunately, Louise was from Fulham, and we were off at the next stop. I seriously contemplated sacking off the 23:17 home to accompany Louise to Fulham, but gave in to the urge of a final beer and snooze. It was at this point I decided I had a new ambition in life - to pull an interesting pretty girl on the tube!

Feeling pretty chuffed with ourselves, spouting ‘we are the greatest tag team’ banter, Jon and I staggered into Weatherspoons in Victoria for our final beer. Whilst Jon was at the Bar, I wandered over to a highly reflective piece of glass for a quick vanity check and hair flick. I turned around, thinking ‘fit as f#ck’, tripped over a step and stacked it. Picking myself up, and trying (in vain!ha!) to regain my composure, I decided perhaps the final beer wasn’t such a good idea!

So I’m off to Switzerland this afternoon - hung over to f#ck - flying to Geneva (with BA!) and Training it up to Bern to see me Father. I’m so glad I’m flying with BA. Whilst stood under the dull grey Luton flight path yesterday, watching the budget airlines banking sharply after take off, I wondered which one would be the first to have a major accident at an English airport, killing all on board? My bets are on Ryanair at Luton. No real Reason. Perhaps a premonition. Anyone want to bet a tenner against me? Maybe Easyjet at Gatwick? It’ll never be BA of course (I hope)!

We sat taking photos of it for a while, with the frightened thing scurrying from sofa to sofa via the fireplace and table. Before long we got bored so Addam went to bed leaving me in an annoyed what-the-hell-do-i-do mood. I still had the trap from last time so filled it with fresh peanut butter, laid it down and hoped for the best. Within minutes the mouse was scrabbling at the box, jumping around it and trying to get at the nutty goodness inside. I heard the metal of the trap click, then click again. Excitedly, I leapt out of bed and flicked on the light, hoping me and mouse could take a trip to the nearest drain, but amazingly the mouse was just sitting on top of the trap, licking its paws and looking at me with a clever glint in its eye. I couldn’t believe it. Had it gone in and got back out again? Was it too big to fit? Either way, it wasn’t trapped, so back to bed I went, frustrated and tired (it was now about 2am!) that it was still in the room.

What do I do now? It’s obviously had a field day this afternoon - there are droppings all over my TV and sofa. I’ve blocked up a hole in one of the walls, but I think its getting in through the hole at the rear of the fireplace. If the wall was it’s escape hatch, i’ve just blocked it inside the room - so either way i’m in no better position. I don’t really want to sleep considering it could be running all over me in the night. I’ve got to sleep though, I’m up at 4am to catch the first train out of Brighton for Gatwick where i’ve got a 6.40am plane to Manchester and a full day of training. The life of a corporate jetsetter ey! Not for me. I just want a nice warm bed in a cosy bedroom WITHOUT MICE!! RAA!

Do you remember my story back in June of the cat catching a little mouse and playing with it in the hallway? I remember thinking at the time that the cat didn’t actually bring it in from outside - but dismissed it cos, lets face it, i didn’t have a clue what the cat had been up to! The mouse had most probably been in the house, and the cat had done me the honourable of service of removing it from my abode. Now, of course, there is no cat. So I just stood there thinking ‘how the fook am i going to catch it’? No sooner had the thought passed through my head, the mouse had darted across the room and into a hole in the wall. I blocked the hole so it couldn’t come out, but as I lay there, listening to it scrabbling behind the wall, I decided that, although it’s a little disconcerting living with a mouse running around, I actually wasn’t that scared, so I uncovered the hole and went back to sleep.

I guess, like most things in my life, i just expected it to resolve itself and hoped the mouse would make a home in someone else’s bedroom, but no, the little blighter wouldn’t leave - and by Friday - when it had kept me awake scrabbling around for the 2nd night I bought a humane mouse trap from these people. Yesterday it arrived, so last night I filled it with Peanut butter just before i went to bed and turned out the light.

Low and behold, after less than 5 minutes, I heard the mouse scrabbling away at the box, trying to get at the tasty gooey nutty goodness inside. The scrabbling was intermittent - with noises from around the box, then under the sofa, then around the box again. After about an hour I woke to a loud click - the sound of the mouse passing over the metal gate which locks it safely inside. I waited with baited breath for another 10 minutes to make sure it was fully trapped before switching on the light - and there it was - my very own little mousy, trapped in a box of peanut butter! I threw my clothes on and marched mouse and box down Palmeria Avenue to the Sea Front, where I let it go for the Seagulls to feast. Better nature takes its course than I smash its spine in with a lethal metal bar and spring.

So - its going to be all change tomorrow - I’ve finally got my arse into gear and sorted out new hosting for this site - where i’m finally going to use some proper blogging software. This will enable me to blog from any computer anywhere in the world, so hopefully i’ll update more often. I’m going to use Wordpress which enables me to categorise my posts and means you can all comment on what I say (I’ll be moderating these of course so you can’t all be abusive!!) I’ll also be blogging on my personal domain - http://www.davidcoats.co.uk/ - with all the content on needananswer remaining. I hope to slowly add interesting pages to needananswer, developing this as a site for my interests rather than my personal life. So come back next week and check it all out!